The events in this post happened almost six years ago. Although I knew as they were happening it was going to be a funny story later, I haven’t gotten around to writing it until now. And it’s not because I was waiting for it to seem funny.
In October of 2018, Luke was hospitalized for five days due to his heart racing (more than 200 beats per minute, sometimes almost 300 bpm, even with him doing nothing but sitting in his easy chair). Cathy took the first hospital shift with him while I stayed home with Kate. On the morning of day 3, Kate and I were taking a shower in advance of me taking over the hospital time with Luke and Cathy going home with Kate.
For some back story, I have to admit that I no longer keep anything in the master bedroom except my reading glasses and a couple nightstand books/magazines. Also as back story, I have to add Kate has certain doors she thinks need to be locked all the time, and others that can be left open. Since in those days (when I was working outside the home full time), the office door was always locked, in Kate’s mind, locked was its default. My clothing, computer, etc. are in the home office, which is right across from the main bathroom. More back story is that Cathy and I keep five keys on us, not counting the main door deadbolt key, to keep Luke and Kate out of things we don’t want them in unsupervised. Those times when we lock ourselves out of something, we usually have the other person around to undo the issue. But not this time.
Once Kate and I were done our shower, she walked directly across the hallway and locked the office door, with me calling from behind her at every step. “No, Kate! Don’t! Wait! STOP!” She didn’t. Problem because my keys, phone, glasses–and as I mentioned, my clothing–were in the office. Fortunately, I had already unlocked my car to put a couple things for the hospital room in there. My good hammer was locked in the shed, so I had to go out to get my car toolbox hammer to try bashing off the knob. But first, since we have only a carport and not a garage, I had to find something to put on. I went into Luke’s room and pulled on one of his pants. (Luke’s door isn’t ever locked, or even closed.) But even in 2018 Luke was five inches taller than I was, and about 160 pounds heavier, so the pants looked ridiculous. Kate, who wears Cathy’s pants more than she wears her own, thought I looked fine. Thankfully, nobody was around to take a photo, and I certainly wouldn’t even if I could have at that moment.
So I hurried out to the carport, holding a fistful of the waist of Luke’s pants at about my chest, and got out the car hammer. The problem is, the reason it’s a car hammer is because it has hardly any shaft. So it’s tough to get any leverage–momentum, velocity, whatever–happening. After a few feeble whacks at the doorknob, I got frustrated and started swinging like a lunatic. Kate was standing directly behind me for this second shower, as pieces of doorknob began flying over both of our heads. As I pulled off what remained of the knob on the outside, the other half of the knob fell inside the office.
When she looked at me only a bit puzzled, I just said, “Try locking it now, girl.”
After we got to the hospital and I told Cathy this story, she told me how uncomfortable was the bed I’d be using for the next two nights. Once she and Kate left and night rolled around, I realized what an understatement “uncomfortable” was. It was a sort of easy chair hide-a-bed, but as either chair or bed, it remains the most uncomfortable surface I’ve ever slept on, including several nights camping in the woods and several nights sleeping in my car.
Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well, despite the doorknob bashing being a long time ago by this point. So when the hospital room bathroom light came on, it woke me up. Luke wasn’t in his bed. I got up to find he had pulled out his intravenous tube to diarrhea in the toilet.
Seeing blood spatter all over the bathroom walls and floor, and soft feces in and around the toilet, I then did a bad thing. I pulled the bathroom cord that summons a nurse and went back to the rock to pretend I was asleep.
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