The Queen’s Annual Decree

Being an update from her majesty. . .

And including the latest on her lady in waiting, man servant, and footman.

 

From the Throne of Her Serene Royal Highness Kate Elizabeth Rottenhead

I could not be happier 2016 is finally over. My lady in waiting vacationed for eight full days at a Queen City spa, feigning some malady.  But she isn’t of any better service even when she’s well.  Every morning, she chooses better clothing for herself than she lays out for her queen, then has the audacity to protest when I take “her” clothing for myself.  And you should hear her when I remove her electronic distractions.  You would think she was on this planet for reasons other than attending to me. I stoically endure her arrogance.

The only vassal more useless is the royal footman.  I would swear he knew how to take my carriage to only two locations:  church on the weekends and his so-called university during the week.  He has been going there six days a week for nine years and is no closer to completing any degree than when he started.  But sometimes he will transport us to an approved eating establishment or business that allows me to restock instruments of my own amusement.  So either the church and Strayer dalliances are his own amusement, or the few trips I endorse occur unintentionally.  Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, as the saying goes.

Fortunately, I can usually count on my loyal manservant to dispose of my trash and keep safe the royal markers for my beloved doodling.  Sometimes, even he disappoints me, though.  When I go to the fuss of carrying an item for disposal all the way across the living room to give him, he sits there with his eyes closed, making that irritating breathing noise.

These three do serve as useful tests of my patience, which is necessary for my generally unsatisfying interactions with riffraff.  What is it with commoners in 2016?  How can they not know that when her majesty proffers the royal hand, their obligation is to kiss it reverently, not shake it and certainly not ignore it?

Here is to more apropos homage in 2017.